A guest post for you today, from Sarah Jane Crosse, otherwise known as SJ. She's been pleading with me to let her write a guest post for this blog, and finally her agent, Della Galton, agreed that she could. I take no responsibility for the post which follows, but I do advise you not to sip any kind of a drink while you read it, in case you end up spluttering all over your keyboard.
The Truth About What Happened at my Parents’ Ruby Wedding Anniversary
By SJ Crosse, currently starring in Ice and a Slice by Della Galton
Hello everybody. I can’t quite believe I’m here. Am I really going to be writing something – on my own – with no interference from Della Galton, who shall hereby be known as Teetotaller Big Knickers. (TBK for short.) Ha!
Am I really here? (Pinches self to check) Ouch! Did that too hard! (note to self to pinch lighter in future, or somewhere it doesn’t hurt, or …) Never mind, where was I?
Ah yes, I get the chance to go on a posh blog - they told me that your blog is particularly posh, Kath, can I call you Kath – are we on first name terms? Come to think of it, you’ve read all about the stuff TBK says I got up to in Ice and a Slice, haven’t you? So I think we’re quite intimate already.
I hope you didn’t believe it all! I’m not as bad as she makes out, you know. (nowhere near) In fact I hardly ever drink as a rule. And all that stuff she said I got up to at my parents’ Ruby Wedding Party. Well it’s nonsense, of course. Or at best, grossly exaggerated. I mean, I’m sure you didn’t believe a word of it, did you J
For a start I did NOT wreck my niece’s chances of a bit of how’s your father with her boyfriend. (Am I allowed to talk about how’s your father on your blog? Will it be going out after the nine o clock watershed? Is that how blogs work? I’m not particularly up on this blogging lark, you know. )
Did I mention this is the first guest blog I’ve ever done? Hurrah!
But it won’t be the last – oh no – I’m going to hack into TBK’s blog soon, and then I’ll be able to tell you all the TRUTH about the PARTY. Ha!
My version of it, I mean – shall I tell you now?
OK then, I will. Well, basically, I took Tom to meet my sister (didn’t want to do that – as you know, Kath, and you know WHY! Basically – off the record - she’s a cow).
Anyway, we went, and it was all very lovely, and everyone got on frightfully well, and we all sat around and ate egg and cress sandwiches and drank lovely cups of tea. (I love tea).
And there was no drunkenness (apart from the darts players – their wives were the worst – oh and my aunt Evie – she’s an old soak!). And there was no lying down under the fridge (certainly not by me). And that pea story that TBK told you – you know about the escapee pea – there’s a pun there somewhere, escapee pea - escapea – da daaa. I’m a whizz with words, you know. I teach poetry and a pint on Wednesday evenings, and we have such fun. And we all sit around reading poetry and drinking pints of – um – tea.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes the party, well all the stuff TBK wrote about what I did in the book. It’s all complete nonsense. Actually, I’ll let you into a secret, shall I? It’s TBK who’s the drunk, not me. You should see her when she gets going – dances on tables and everything. (And she can’t dance either, but she thinks she can.)
I’m practically teetotal – did I mention that?
Ha! So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, TBK Galton.
(Oh – and if you want to read TBK’s version of events – then you’ll have to buy the book. Ice and a Slice it’s called.) Click here to check it out. Bits of it are quite good. The bits that show me in a good light like when I’m – um – helping people with their charity work.
But bear in mind – the party bit is all lies, lies, lies. Complete nonsense. I shall be doing more setting the record straight very soon. Watch out for me in blogs around the country! Oh, and if you want to book me, you’ll have to go through my agent, TBK (Della Galton), or you could just sneakily get in touch via my Facebook Page, Ice and a Slice (which she’s not allowed on). Or email me at SarahJaneCrosse@Googlemail.com. Or tweet me @SarahJaneCrosse. Look forward to hearing from you very soon.